“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself”
How do we change ourselves? I mean truly change. This is a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately, mainly in moments of frustration. Frustration because I feel like change is impossible or unattainable, even when you want it more than anything else in the world. I spend many moments, minutes and even hours a week obsessing over changes that I would like to see in myself. Yet somehow even with all that desire for something else and disgust for what exists, I am in many ways unable, almost paralyzed to enact any real change. I tell myself that I need to go to bed earlier, drink less and read more, yet even those minor deviations from my usual behavior can seem difficult to maneuver. This struggle with the mundane aspects of life can make permanent and significant transformation seem so slow, grueling, and most of all it feels as if you are standing still… while others are moving ahead past you.
Okay first of all; I don’t have the answer for you, I am still struggling with these feelings every single day, but I am trying to make slow and steady changes and I think it’s important to share the journey in all its frustrating glory. As I get older I’ve begun to understand, even more than I did, how important it is to take care of my body. I wish that I would have realized the gravity of my choices a decade ago, but the now is what I have and I must make the best of it.
I wake up every morning and think of all the things left undone from the day before. I fret over the way my clothes fit, the way my skin looks and the fact that I haven’t watched the sunrise, meditated, practiced yoga or made a healthy breakfast. Sometimes all of this makes me not even want to leave the house, or worse it makes me want to give up on all the small changes I have actually made. The fact is I have to leave the house, and really I want to leave the house, because ultimately, I feel better when I do.
A few weeks ago, my sister invited me to go to spin class with her. I hesitantly agreed mainly because I knew I had to do something different in order to pursue a healthier version of myself, even if I was failing regularly in other ways. This decision to attend the class literally made me sick. I felt so uncomfortable and nervous about failing, and all of this even before the class had begun. Almost every time I’ve done something out of my comfort zone, however minute, I’ve never regretted it. Three quarters of the way through the session I felt amazing. I felt powerful, confident, driven and extremely sweaty! This is not to say that there won’t be classes or moments in which I feel awful, weak, ugly and defeated, but trying something new and challenging myself made me feel good. I could just as easily sleep in and not go, which at some point I’m sure I will do, however, doing the same thing will not garner any new results, and to be honest I have to change.
It won’t be a perfect path, it will wind and I will stray, and inevitably stumble in many facets. Change is incredibly difficult, in fact many people believe that no one can ever fundamentally change who they are. This may be true, our inner self, our personality and our soul may not be fully transformed, but the way we move through the world, the routines we embrace and the way we treat others and ourselves can surely be modified. These modifications even on the smallest scale, I believe, have the power to produce a better, happier and healthier self.
I really hope I’m right.