If you know me you might be saying, “I’ve never known Kate to avoid any four letter word!” This of course is true, however this particular word, in my mind, has always been associated with failure and embarrassment, with weakness and lack of self discipline, and most of all with shame.
I’ve never wanted to utter the words, “I need HELP!” Throughout my 30+ years on this planet I’ve tried my best to avoid any situation in which I would have to express that sentiment. That’s not to say I haven’t received help, and lots of it. It’s just that I’ve never had to ask for it, either because someone just graciously did it, or in some cases, someone asked for it in my stead, possibly because they knew I wouldn’t. From a very young age I had to play at being a grown up. I had to act the part of an adult far earlier than any child should, and because of that I always felt that I shouldn’t need help from anyone, after all, I had been taking care of others, even true adults, since I was a child.
Owing something to someone, whether it be a favor, or worst of all money, seemed like the antithesis of success. It made me feel sick to my stomach and riddled me with anxiety. It meant I wasn’t good enough on my own; I wasn’t strong enough. This attitude pervaded my psyche even though I had concrete evidence in the form of past experience illuminating the truth that when I received help, even if I hadn’t asked for it directly, my life almost always improved exponentially. Over the years this strategy of avoiding asking for help has mostly produced “good” results. In order to avoid feeling completely vulnerable when I have asked for help from friends or family, its only been in ways that seemed transactional and would be mutually beneficial for both parties. This tactic ensured that I never felt like I truly owed anything to anyone. Owed meant owned to me.
This year the universe decided that its subtle lessons on vulnerability weren’t working with me. I wasn’t understanding the concepts through osmosis, I needed to be waterboarded. In order to fully comprehend that my beliefs around asking for help were not only incorrect, but injurious to me I needed to go through a series of unfortunate, discouraging, devastating and humbling incidents in just twelve months time. My instinct to remain isolated in my trouble, in my worry and in my hopelessness had only increased following the pandemic. I needed to be broken down in multiple different ways, my resistance to reaching out in an honest and unguarded way needed to be extremely low.
With each successive setback I was forced to accept a new way of reaching out and expressing myself. In order to keep moving forward I needed to lean on others, I needed to share my burdens. I realized I couldn’t do it alone, but what’s more, I realized that I’ve never truly been doing life alone. Now was the time to lean a little more on those who have always been there supporting me. It was the time to surrender and acknowledge how little control I have over these situations. It was also time to stop obsessing over what others might think of me. Reaching out for help does not indicate weakness, it illustrates that you know what you need and that you trust the person you are asking for it.
Another way I shifted my mindset about asking for help was by thinking about the way I feel when I help someone, even in the smallest way. When we ask for help we might characterize this as a burden being laid upon someone else. An inconvenience for them, and we also might fear deep down that this somehow diminishes our worth to them. I find this to be blatantly untrue, and in fact I believe that most people find that being able to offer help to a friend can be an incredible opportunity to show their love and devotion to that person. Instead of a burden it can be viewed as an honor. An honor, in that the person asking for help must have deep trust in order to expose themselves to you in this way. They must believe you are a person that can be relied upon. Not everyone can help in the same way, and that’s totally fine. We all need different forms of support, the key is asking for it. Know what you need, but also know what you can give.
I haven’t mastered expressing the dreaded “H” word, but it gets easier as I practice using it. Just as in the past, my life has improved because of that help. Things are getting back on track. There will always be derailments, but I now know I’m not and never have been, traveling alone. You aren’t traveling alone either, there are people around you who want to help and support you. You just have to be brave enough to ask.