marriage

What Do We Really Want?

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But how do we know what to want?!? 

While listening to an episode of Fresh Air today I was drawn to this quote from her guest, clinical psychologist and author, Mary Pipher.

Pipher has published a new book about women and aging. Through her research she has found that retirement aged women are one of the happiest demographics. 

Some of this is attributed to having more time, but Pipher says that it is heavily dependent on having certain skills, one of those skills being the ability to maintain reasonable expectations.

This is a skill I fear I rarely possess and which creates a lot of frustration and disappointment in life. 

What is truly important to me? What should I expect to have? What do I want? And if obtained will it make me happy? These are all questions I’m trying to ask myself more, I’m hoping it will help me to understand what’s worth wanting and ultimately make me a happier and healthier person. 

Our culture makes it really hard to understand what is worth having and what is important, we are pushed in every direction and inundated with images and ideas of what makes a happy and successful life. If I can just lose these 15 lbs I’ve been carrying around for a decade, if I can just make my house look perfect, if I can just make my family look flawless to everyone else, if I can just meet the right people....if...if...if....then I will be happy. Managing these expectations is a constant battle, stopping fully and being present in the imperfect-ness of our lives and trying to find contentment is one of the hardest things anyone can accomplish. 

My house might be a total disaster (I don’t even have children to blame it on), my dogs might be poorly behaved, I don’t have my dream job (or probably anyone’s) and my marriage is far from perfect. 

Despite all these seemingly negative things I am an extremely lucky and privileged person. I am alive, relatively young, in generally good health, I have a job that pays my bills and allows me to save and I have a home that I share with my badly behaved dogs and husband that I love very much.

I’m challenging myself in 2019 to live more in the present, to complain less about what I don’t have and to instead appreciate what I do. To really determine if the things I “want” are really for me or if they are the distorted ideas of what our culture and society tells me I should have. I want to, as Mary Pipher explains, know what I want so I can go get it.

Arctic Birthday

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It's -20 degrees in Milwaukee right now. Yes, we are officially in the negative digits pre-windchill! My love was born on this day 31 years ago, and despite the Arctic temperatures, this brings up warm memories and hopes for the future. It might not be as romantic as the birthday we spent in Paris, or as carefree as the one spent dominating karaoke with friends, but it will be just as special because despite all the things we faced in 2018 we are extremely lucky to have had eachother another year.

This past year has tested us both as individuals and as a couple; we've had some successes and some definite disasters in between those successes. There have been disappointments, losses and realizations. I quit a job and decided to pursue my dreams through a different avenue. Jarrett went back to school and found his passion; he has been working and going to school fulltime and performing really well academically. He found a drive that I never knew in him before, proof of pursuing something you love, and I am so proud that he will be graduating this May. His talent and creativity has been nothing short of wonderful to witness.

There were those not-so-wonderful moments I mentioned before...those moments where I found myself questioning why we had chosen to take on certain responsibilities? And why I decided to so predictably conform to this idea of "adulthood?" There were times I legitimately thought about completely re-engineering my whole life and finding an exit strategy. In those moments, even when our marriage was far from perfect, Jarrett was there to talk me down and help me see a path that didn't involve selling everything I own and moving to Paris.

I never felt like my dreams were really achievable until I formed a partnership with Jarrett. It's not to say that I didn't believe in myself, but I had never met anyone who dreamed like I did and instead of telling me it couldn't be done, or questioning everything, he would say "okay, how do we make this happen?" This is a true gift and something I value so much in him as a husband and partner. We have crazy ideas; sometimes they work and sometimes they don't, but we dream together and talk each other off the ledge when necessary.

I can't think of anyone with whom I would rather travel, talk, drink wine, plan, transform, design, create, EAT, cook, listen to Jazz, complain, watch The Office, own fur-babies and just BE. I get to be the real me with Jarrett, what a treasure that is? I'm so glad he was born and I know he will give me more to be proud of this coming year. I won't wish for a smoother year, that's a fool's errand, but here's hoping we are on a tropical beach this day next year!