Summer has now come and gone, and while this mostly makes me melancholy, September is historically my month for transformation. I shouldn’t find it a surprise anymore when so many of my most important steps and decisions in life have come during this change of season; it is my birth month after all. The most significant moments in my life have occurred during this month: I began dating Jarrett nine years ago, he proposed to me four years ago, and then three years ago we got married on September 12th. Not all of the noteworthy September events are related to our relationship and its development. Many crucial decisions determining my trajectory have come during the time when nature itself is accepting change so beautifully and leaving its old growth behind.
Ten years ago I felt completely stuck. I was unhappily living in Columbus, Ohio; I was working in a dead end job, immersed in an extremely unhealthy environment filled with drinking, drugs and worst of all, apathy. I was mired in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was at my heaviest and feeling worthless, undesirable, and tremendously depressed. I had tried many times to extricate myself from this painful and destructive relationship that was masquerading as love, but I hadn’t been successful, because I didn’t think I was worthy of anything better. I had dropped out of school with no direction, ambition, or change in sight.
In June of 2008 my sister came from Milwaukee to visit me. Truth be told, I think it was a rescue mission from the beginning. She could see I was flailing, and with no family or close friends nearby, she knew I needed to physically move away from the situation. She gently suggested that I not renew my lease and instead find an apartment in Milwaukee. I initially resisted as I thought of all I would be leaving behind, and all the unknown that I would be facing ahead, but after one particularly unfortunate encounter with my on-and-off-again boyfriend, the universe, in all its wisdom, made it perfectly clear that it was time to leave. I called my sister Sarah and began to pack and make arrangements. A couple months later I found myself in Milwaukee starting a new chapter, it was scary and definitely lonely at times, but it was absolutely the best and healthiest decision I have ever made.
This September I made another big decision. After over eight years with my company, I chose to leave my stable and secure job. I felt stuck again, and although it had been a great place to grow in the years prior, I felt I was beginning to inhibit my own personal growth by staying. My path feels less certain at times and doubt does creep in, but it is freeing to know that I can chart a new course for myself. I’ve been reminded repeatedly, especially this past year that life is incredibly short and can be filled with pain. So with that in mind; if we have the opportunity to feel freer, to grow, to learn more about ourselves and others, shouldn’t we do everything in our power to position ourselves to take those journeys?
When reflecting on both of these choices it became clear that there were two issues at the crux of those life changing decisions; value and self-worth. In spite of the narrative I was given by my ex, and the value placed on me by my employer, I decided that my worth was better determined by me and the people who truly love me.
I would hate for you to get the false impression that I have somehow figured out how to love myself unconditionally! I have not. In fact one of my goals for this next trip around the sun is to try to get to know myself better and hopefully love and accept myself more in the process. I am also not uniquely strong, or immune to what others think or say about me. I have varying degrees of thin skin but I am attempting to take the useful criticism, learn from it, and then just let go of the rest. This can be especially difficult in the culture of comparison that we find ourselves in today. Envy can trap and discourage, and I suspect it is something most of us deal with on a daily basis. We look at the lives of others, sometimes in person, but most often through the lens of social media, and we think; what am I doing wrong? I’m not good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, or maybe even young enough! We look at what others are producing and instead of admiring what they do, and using that as motivation to work harder, we feel like giving up because we don’t think we measure up. I don’t have the solution to these feelings of self-doubt, not even close; I’m working through them continuously just like everyone else, but what I have learned over the last 32 years on this planet is that I have value. That value may not be seen by everyone around me, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not there. I shouldn’t settle for the expectations set out for me by others, but should instead set goals and expectations for the life I want to lead.
My sister, ever encouraging, sent me this quote after I put in my notice and was feeling majorly insecure:
“To be nobody but yourself in a world
which is doing its best day and night to make you like
everybody else means to fight the hardest battle
which any human being can fight.”
-e. e. cummings
Thank you Sarah and thank you September!